Soylant Green

I am free once more. I was born in a nightmare, greeted by a the Lich King who gave me this life but took away my will. Locked me in a prison in my own mind, as I watched my slave-self do the horrific bidding of the Lich King and his generals. I could only dimly remember a life from before.

Images from a life that must have been someone else's. Gnomeregan before the troggs, when I was young. The troggs came and chased our people out into the cold. I became a warrior and swore one day to return and retake Gnomeregan. For years I served the Alliance in one capacity or another, and eventually I returned to Gnomeregan but it was too far gone. The Alliance had larger concerns. A plague that was sweeping the lands to the north. Turning people into zombies who ate flesh and propagated the plague.

I went with the Allies, to fight this plague. But as fate would have it, I was slain. And born again into the horror of service to the Lich King. Then one day the fog was lifted, I regained control, as the Lich King departed for Northrend. I've since found that there are many of us former Death Knights (as we were then called). I am among those who vow that someday they will have our revenge upon the Lich King, for all the lives he's taken. For the life his armies took from me.

Current Mood: contemplative

Today I was fighting the murlocs and wolves of Elwynn forest and realizing I could easily handle them 3 at a time. I've come so far! I got a mission to travel to Westbrook Garrison and then to Sentinel Hill. Westfall sure looks different than Elwynn. It's nice and warm though, and I can see further here than in the forests.

Current Mood: excited

The city of Stormwind is HUGE, as are its people. I feel most at home in the Dwarven district, where some of my own people are found as well. The Trade district is insane, confusing, and EXCITING! My first night in the city I saw a vehicle called a chopper. A machine so fine only a gnome could have designed it.

Outside the city all is peaceful and green and warm. A lovely place. The wolves and bandits and murlocs only make it more of an adventure. I've been carrying out missions for various guards and townspeople, honing my warrior skills. Someday I will be mighty, more than these giant humans (and there are other races too!) could ever imagine.

Current Mood: chipper

Got some pants that fit today :-) I had been wearing baggy stretch pants for a while, to take it easy on the healing tummy (oh yeah, I donated my roommate/best friend/partner a kidney a couple months ago). It's so nice to have pants that fit, though with my weight watchers work, they may not fit for more than a few more months. Here's hoping.

Current Mood: sleepy

Yesterday I escaped the wreck of what was once our great underground homeland, Gnomeregan. Fled the radioactive trogs and emerged into the cold white world. Some dwarves met me, said they were here to help our people and pledged to eventually help us regain our home. I did everything I could to learn my way in this world. I chose to train as a warrior and worked until I was sent out of Coldridge Valley into the world beyond. By then I had had enough of the cold and longed for someplace warm. I recalled hearing that gnomes had once built a tram to a faraway land where it was warm. And there were these really tall people called humans.

I imagined these strong folk would be kind enough to aid us, so I traveled straight to Ironforge, where several gnomes lived in a place called Tinker Town. I decided to study engineering as well, so that I might invent wondrous machines. Next I beheld the beauty of the Deeprun Tram, though it had certainly seen better days. I guess Dwarves can't be expected to keep anything tidy. Within just a few moments I found myself in the strange (but warm!) city of Stormwind, and set off to endear myself to the humans while proving what a mighty warrior I could be.

Current Mood: chipper

I have been gone from here for a long time. Really my life has been so good I haven't had much I felt the urge to journal about. I guess for me journalling is primarily something I use when I am lonely. And I haven't had any time to be lonely. Between work, home, and family my life is pretty full.

I popped back here mainly because my new Warcraft guild uses this site for their discussion group. I don't play WoW nearly as much as I used to, but it's still something I enjoy.

Maybe I'll journal again more often. Dunno. I do have a lot to talk about, it's been an eventful time.

Current Mood: calm

Well, I'm housesitting this week. Still without a summer job. Got turned down for this one customer service job I thought I was perfect for and that the interview went great. [sigh] Trying not to get depressed about it. There's an interview next week at a software company for tech support. It's for a product I know nothing about, so I need to prepare. Glad I have some time...

I am staying at the home of an acquaintance, looking after the place. Their 2 dogs, 5 cats, and 5 chickens. Yes, chickens. In a residential neighborhood. We have lots of fresh eggs! I am anticipating large omelets. Some of the hens have laid eggs in impossible to reach places out in their area, but for the most part the lay them in nest boxes. I think the plastic eggs placed there show them where to lay eggs. That's quite clever!

They've also got a hot tub, and I am enjoying that a lot. They said I could invite company over, so I am trying to get people to come hot tub with me. Contact me if you're interested [grin]. Seriously.

Gosh it takes forever to download World of Warcraft! So I am typing... hehehe.

Stay tuned... there is some exciting good news on the horizon. Maybe even more if I get a job.. lol

Goodnight

Current Mood: cheerful

Well, I after a nap and talking with my roomie, I have come to understand that I have merely gotten behind on taking care of business. Also, I have come up with a list of things and some incentives for accomplishing them. Like when I finally get divorced (yes, I am still married, legally) I am going to invite some buds (including anyone reading this) to go out and do something cool.

And when I finally complete my bankruptcy, I am hoping to buy a scooter or motorcycle (though probably a scooter, it just suits me more). I am already saving up. However, I think my savings may be needed elsewhere. If all works out (lots of tests), I will be donating a kidney to a friend. And I will need my savings to account for a few weeks of being out of work after the surgery. But that's not for several months, at least, and I may qualify for short term disability for that. I should check... [adds that to post-it note collection]

I am really resistant to taking medication that must be taken daily. I do take Adderall for my ADD, but only on days when my work load tells me I'll need that extra focus. I don't want to be reliant on something that will really mess me up if I miss a day (like antidepressants can do). I do think I will try to get a therapist though. I had one a couple years back (down in Eugene), and if was very beneficial.

Thanks for caring! (and someday, Mac, we have got to get it together and play!)

Current Mood: good

I've not exactly been depressed, just preoccupied with "stuff." I've got a new hobby. Expanding the DVD collection through ... shady means. I use it to avoid dealing with the other stuff that needs dealing with.

I am just coming to realization in the last few days that I have been stuck. Stuck looking at a to-do list that is large and complicated and I do not know where to begin. And I know I could tackle it, so mostly I am paralyzed with being pissed at myself for not doing it. Yet another useless vortex I create and get lost in. Yet another reason to be angry at myself. See how it goes around?

I bought a bicycle, thinking I would ride it and get some exercise. But by the time I get home from work I have no energy for anything more than playing on my computer. Just medicating myself so I don't see the facts. I can still hear the facts in the back of my mind. Nibbling, bickering. Making me feel ever crappier.

Many distractions here, I can avoid facts for quite a long time. I tried getting some help, someone who likes to meddle in the lives of others. But I don't know her well enough to trust her that much. It's terrifying to let someone close enough to see what a fuck-up I am. The constant threat of criticism is too much. I get enough of that from myself. Gack! I guess I am depressed.

I'm formulating a solution. It's swirling around in my head. It might be time to pick up pen & paper and see what comes out. I'll update this later.

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: pandora.com

In the dark, Your face above mine
Your hair hangs, framing a feral grin
Only one thought
Open

I breathe out
You breathe in
Heat, light, energy flows
You draw it from me

"Now"

Explosion, flash
Your eyes glow
Opalescent green
You catch and ride the wave

Fear/Desire
What was that?
Happy to give all You want
Am I doomed?

Your girl
Your servant
Your bitch

(PS - what do you think of bondage?)

Current Mood: curious

Where does the time go? Hopefully it goes someplace good. And for me, it has. Of late, at least. (Seems I didn't quite get the verse out of my system.) I've been getting to know some new people (including that cute gothy girl) and getting better acquainted with someone I've known for a little while now. The Lady who inspires the verse.

I've also gotten really into Warcraft. What a consuming, addictive game that is! My main character is a fighter, I call her Kam. She's pretty simple, a basic wandering warrior who likes to work solo. She's level 17 now and is just beginning professional paths in blacksmithing and mining. Questing is the main interest, though sometimes it's good to just go kill things. To wade into an area of creatures a few levels below mine, and just to hack and slash merrily along. It's especially fun when they gang up on me! And entirely rewarding in cash and loot. [grin]

I celebrated solstice with some friends, a couple days early, but it was a fun, pleasant time. Yeah, I got tied up too. [wink] Christmas-time was spent with some friends. Some I know pretty well and some relatively new ones. I had just the most wonderful time sharing Christmas with them. [big smile] It entirely made up for the annual family stress-fest that is dinner at mom's. Actually, that was not bad either. Great food, enjoyed some music videos with the kids (I need to check out "My Chemical Romance" a little further) and I got a DVD burner! I haven't installed it yet, because I'm fixated on Warcraft.

Oh, I got a kitten! He's adorable! Orange-ish beige with a funny little tail about half the normal length of a cat's tail. He's about 4 months old, squeaks rather than meows, and is very gentle when he plays. Yeah he's hyper and knocks stuff over, that's normal for kittens. But he's a relatively calm, cuddly one. I like him a LOT.

January is going to be a very lean month, financially speaking, because of the way payroll dates are affected by winter break. I will probably have to borrow money from family or (eek) maybe even my ex, but it'll be alright. It's been a great winter break (and it ain't over yet!) [grin]

Current Mood: cheerful

My mission is concluded, with mixed results. The dark druid, Bellac, who loosed an army of Orcs and Giants upon the region, has been defeated. Killed, almost single-handedly by the bow of the beautiful (but occasionally terrifying) Inwe Helyanwe. Woe to the world, however, for Arch Vampire Gulthias has been released from his thousand year imprisonment. While the rest of us were occupied with Gulthias' servant, Mannix and Theaben attempted to release the unfortunate Onan from the Tree's clutches. Somehow the tree caught fire and was destroyed. (Along with Onan, who apparently curried favor with several gods and led a charmed life.)

From the smoke and ashes of the Tree, rose Gulthias. He seemed so pleasant and pleased to see us, but there is no doubt of his evil nature. And he said mean things to Haley (his grand-daughter, as it happens; long story). If I needed any further reason to hate him, that clinched it. He seemed to work some kind of influence on me then, which stopped me from rushing him. It's probably just as well. He'd have merrily destroyed us all. His kind of evil is clearly out of my league. I pray the Second has the resources to handle this.

Gulthias left us a "reward" for his release. The very notion that we be rewarded for this failure, or indeed that we intended his release, galls me so. And Mannix... where to start... he actually THANKED Gulthias for the reward and conceded that perhaps we had been sent to release him. Paladin blood can boil! I know this now. I grudgingly refrained from asking Helm's judgment of him, because I believe he may yet be redeemable. But anyway, Mannix bears watching, perhaps with the occasional nudge. And should those nudges be insufficient, he may just meet my holy avenger up close and personal!

Gulthias' treasure shall be turned against him. It will help rebuild the Second and eventually bring about his downfall. Theaben was so clearly sorry for his hand in accidentally releasing Gulthias, that I believe his heart is pure, at least on this matter. Haley has sworn to destroy him, and I don't doubt her conviction. I worry about her. I saw her as she watched Bellac die, her expression indescribable. I fear she is sliding toward darkness, but I will not let it claim her. Somehow.

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: "Sophia" - Cruxshadows

This does not surprise me one bit... and she's my favorite character :)

Current Mood: amused

What is becoming of my companions? The ones I had begun to consider friends. Theaben has begun to summon swarms of spiders, rats, and bats. And to crawl upon the walls and ceilings as if he were a spider himself! I do not understand where this power comes from, and there is no time to discuss it now. But I think I should keep an eye on him, not turn my back on him.

Speaking of my back, the one person I trusted to “have my back” in a fight, I am no longer sure of. Haley shot a foe in the back. Glad it was an enemy. When she fights lately, she sometimes becomes so cold and alien, I feel I don’t know her at all. Here I was, willing to trust her to cover my back as I thought to charge Bellac, and then she turns and shoots a foe in the back. Perhaps it made sense to her. There is no time to discuss it now. Perhaps sometime I can find out what “honor” means to her.

She’s beautiful and can be kind. Damn. In battle she’s amazing and well… I start to feel strange. It’s kind of distracting. And after a fight, I want to kiss her, but… I cannot see past that. There’s no warmth, no home, no family there. No future.

Focus now. On the mission. Destroy Bellac and the tree. That cowardly sorcerer, hiding behind flaming shrubbery, and even slaying his own allies. All so we can come praise his damned tree. Fool, Helm sent me to destroy both you and that tree. His will be done!

Current Mood: confused

Nope, the cat wasn't there. Of course. But I got all the cat stuff I took over there with him, in case I get a cat or rabbit or he comes home or something. Right now I am not sure I should get a pet of any kind. I'm feeling sad, but also I kind of like not having to worry about a pet right now. Or the annoying things they do. And dealing with the guilt over how things worked out. Guilt isn't exactly useless. It stops us from making the same damn mistakes over and over.

Current Mood: cranky

Last night I had a series of dreams that felt highly significant when I woke. I dreamed I was over at my friend's (the one to whom I'd given my cat before he went missing) and I looked down into a stairwell near her front door and saw him down there. I called and he came to me. That turned out to be a dream within another dream, because I woke up and went to my friend's. There was no stairwell there, but while I stood outside her front door, my cat came around the corner. One final dream was that he had somehow just shown up at home, and I didn't quite believe it was real (in the dream) but I had been petting him and he felt real enough. And sometimes my other cat (one that died 7 years ago) was there as well. Then someone left the door open and the cat that had just come back, disappeared into the night. I woke up remembering the feeling of petting him and the sound of his purr.

I don't know what this means, if anything. I had about given up hope that he'd come back. Just last night before bed I had been talking with my daughter about maybe getting a rabbit (since cats & dogs are not allowed, but a rabbit might be). And I was thinking I would need to go over to my friend's to get back the carrier I used for the cat. And I think that's when I slid into dreamland and found my cat, there outside the front door of my friend's house.

I think I will go over there today though, after I drop the kiddo off at school. Just because... It feels like I should. The dreams felt significant.

Current Mood: contemplative

I put the 4 surviving fish from quarantine today into the big tank. The boys (the guppy and the swordtail) were sure happy to see some girls! It was hilarious watching the little male guppy trying to court these big female swordtails. All of these fish being livebearers (the platies & swords are even of the same genus) there is sure to be some crossbreeding, but hopefully not too much. Otherwise, any babies will tend to be non-viable or boring gray fishes. It's nice to see some color in the tank!

Current Mood: amused

My cat has been missing for a week now. The whole situation sucks. I had to find him a new home; he was damaging the apartment too much here and they were doing inspections, and we are not allowed pets here. *sigh* So I found a friend who would take him in. After a few days he started to fit in and they started to like him. And then just before Thanksgiving, he went out and didn't come back. She has called for him and searched her neighborhood. I have checked the pound, the place I used to live (which is a couple miles from her place), and even consulted a pet psychic (she's a friend of mine). He had no collar and no distinguishing features. He's a basic black & brown tabby on white. 10 years old.

The pet psychic tells me she feels he is ok, and that there is a thread of energy connecting him and me. I am trying to think good thoughts his way, and maybe he will come home (though that's about 5 miles from where I left him) or I will... I dunno... have some kind of vision about where to find him? I am not sure I believe in that stuff, but I am respectful of those that do, and well, sometimes weird things happen.

To be honest though, I have a terribly sad feeling that he is gone. Hopefully he is alive and being cared for someplace, cause it's a cold nasty time of year to be an old cat outdoors...

Current Mood: sad

I'm apparently a Random Brutal Sex Master. These quizzes are silly but fun :) Except the truth is that I'm a warm, fuzzy, mostly harmless sweetie pie. Well kinda...

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Current Mood: amused